Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Jones's Guide To Losing Money

  1. Buy as much house as you can afford, wait, buy more!
  2. Lease both of your cars. Pay over $200 for insurance...preferably $400.
  3. Credit cards are magic. If you have any money issues, use the credit card.
  4. Refinance your house to a longer term.
  5. Pay $100+/month for each cell phone you have. Buy the latest and greatest.
  6. Buy every kid a new iPhone and iPad. No need to consider the child's age.
  7. Netflix? That's for cheap people. You need cable. Lots of channels.
  8. Eat out every day, drink coffee but from Starbucks, or wait, Starbucks is for semi-fancy people. What you need is #Hipster Coffee Joint coffee.
  9. Hire a full time nanny because both parents work full time. Don't calculate taxes, mileage, lunches and nanny fees, otherwise you may realize the second job earns $6/hr.
  10. Don't read finance blogs. They will just tell you to invest money. You need money now so you can spend it.

This lady is worried about money but won't budget or clean up her mess.
Just kidding, it's a stock photo.
See this money? You need to waste it! Give it to a salesman!
Money is a big cause of conflict in couples. What if, instead of pursuing every luxury in life, we focused on what is really important? How un-American! You should instead buy a car. Not a Honda...you need...nay, you deserve, a BMW. Or maybe a Lexus. Take your pick, just tell the dealer how much you can afford.

You see, when you outsource processing, you stop planning and work in vain. It is like being a pinball, Life confuses you, you bounce around and don't understand why no matter how hard you work, you never get ahead. You see your kids less and less, the spouse gets more and more pissed, and you become a ghost of yourself. Why? Priorities. You were too busy to make your work and life count. Shame on you. You must pay penance by drawing up a budget, and go over goals with your spouse.

No excuses. Use your brain.

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