Finding Purpose Again

To say 2016 was a bad year for my family unit would be an understatement. It completely took me off course for goals, made me very discontent, and also made me question why I am who I am. Religious people will often use the words "refining" or "making a great testimony". I prefer the concept that it burned up the good and bad in me, and I'm left trying to figure out what is left.

This is also why I haven't posted in a long time. Here I was having a blog saying how nice it is not to feel the need of participating in the rat race while I am losing everything and questioning my sanity. If I was more humble I'd have documented every moment of it, but that isn't the case.

To go back in debt is like going back to an abusive girlfriend. She regularly takes from you every month and doesn't care that you don't like that. I'm sure financial people would yell terrible sentences at hearing we went back into debt, but the choices were limited. How many people lose everything they own, a place to live, and their only car in just a few months, oh and almost die? Something had to give and our emergency fund was only set up for 1 or two of those things to happen at once, not all 4!

Family and coworkers were what made us not slip through the cracks, we could have easily become the family on the street corner living off a gym membership to keep the hygiene and going to a motel when possible. One coworker in particular let me live with him for months until we were back on our feet. I don't know what we would have done without him (remember, we had 0-1 cars during this process).

Theologically, I am having a hard time compartmentalizing why all of this happened. I thought I was doing okay in avoiding greed. I had more time for my family back then and was much less stressed (abusive girlfriend debt! She stressed me out man!). We've also had to deal with the joy of people helping us by donations, and the grief of trying to forget all the items that are gone while we quietly replace them without going into more debt. Also, I've never been one to look at what others have and become angry, but that is another good that was burned up in this process. Why do regular people not go through Job like fire? Sure the 1 arm, 1 leg veteran with 1 kidney and no job is shaking his head at that question from me, but from my vantage point, what underlying cause made our family have to go though this? I'll probably never know and just want to forget it ever happened.

You can only stay in the "poor me" zone for so long before that becomes you. I don't want to become the resident bitcher. You know, the guy who is the opposite of Dilbert's topper who bitches about everything. You talk about how you got a raise, and the bitcher talks about how he hates his job, and debt is a nasty girlfriend.

Who did this to us? That dives into legal stuff, which I can't do on a public space. If you want that kind of information, feel free to talk with me in person.

For the 1 reader out there, thanks for reading this. This is definitely written for you, cause who else is out there? Have a great week.

Confessions

Earlier this week while I was at work, I got turned on to an application for my Smartphone. It’s a game where you attempt to level up the buildings in your village and defeat other villages. It is well made and entertaining.

In high school and college I discovered I’m prone to certain types of addictions. Games with no clear ending, where you can become richer and higher leveled are a particular weakness for me. In high school this game for me was Runescape. Runescape is an online Role Playing Game with other players where you can do quests, earn cash, and fight. It was somewhat fascinating and horrifying watching myself get mentally consumed without any hope of moderation.

I wrestled with quitting for years. It seemed like I could never rid my mind of PKing (Player Killing), or stop thinking of how to more effectively do it. This is to the point that I didn’t eat enough or waited very long to go to the bathroom. It invaded my dreams and video preferences in Youtube. Keep in mind, I was only moderately good and wealthy. Maybe in the top 20-15%...nowhere near the top.

There was some good that happened in this though. I learned how to make money by the basic principle of selling high and buying low. I learned how to generate the margin between wholesalers and regular consumers. I learned that many people are not worthy of being trusted online, especially if they hold your money.

Flash back to today. Although I am thankful for all I have learned in an addiction, I never want to go back. I didn’t like who I was. Although my buddies at work meant well, I saw myself begin to become someone I didn’t like, someone very familiar but unhappy. So, come the next workday. I get the pleasant task of saying “sorry guys. It’s not you. It’s not the game. It is me. This is a weakness I have and I’d rather do other things like reading or blogging.” I doubt I’d get as bad as before since I have learned a little moderation. It still would rob me of other joys in life like family time, reading…etc. Discovering and conquering this weakness to addictive gaming is one of the best things I have ever done.

I can already hear people say “well sheesh Aaron, why didn’t you just stop being that way?” How many years do I need to waste before it becomes something to avoid, not fight? I discovered the weakness in high school…it didn’t get dealt with in Jr. High and prior. How long should it have been before I said “enough. I am untrustworthy with this and need to better myself by avoiding it as much as physically possible.”? I waited some 7 years before successfully doing that. Should it have been longer?

Well, gentle reader, do you have something optional preventing you from realizing your dreams in life, or keeping you from being someone you admire? Maybe that needs to change. Just a thought.